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I ended a relationship right before quarantine and I’ve never been closer to myself.

Right after my 30th birthday I ended a almost 2 year relationship, right on the brink of COVID-19 Quarantine. At first I was afraid of life alone, at home. I didn’t think I would have a day without tears, days without wishing it was different, or days deciding if I should reach out.

For some background, for me this relationship had been surviving by a thread. No one else knew this but I did. I was really good at showing everything was ok, but secretly breaking inside. Throughout this relationship there was lying, cheating, manipulation, hurtful moments, arguments, days without talking and me continuously questioning why I was even still holding on. I would question why if someone could say they love you, in the same breathe rip you apart. It was a rock bottom moment that made me decide this was it. A gut feeling I had started off as “let me in, talk to me”. It ended with him saying he liked the benefits but didn’t want to do the work, I wasn’t a priority.

I will never forget those words. Sometimes I replay those words in my head to keep pushing me. That was it, I had to keep the last bit of strength I had and walk away. This was hard for a few reasons. First, when you love someone it’s hard to let them go, second you always try to give it you all even when you have nothing left, and three I lived here in Jersey alone and he was all I had here. Or that’s at least what I thought. 

Now everything wasn’t his fault. Over the course of this relationship, I had lost myself. I forgot who I was, what motivated me and what I actually carried inside. So as the relationship ended and the quarantine began I was literally praying to God I make it though. I was praying I would cry only once a day, I wouldn’t always feel alone and most of all, the loneliness would NOT make me reach out to him. To my surprise, my recovery was the complete opposite. Now mind you yes, I did endure days of sadness, ugly cries and grief of the relationship, but with the help of friends, family, therapy and the bible app I survived. I overcame my fear of being alone by finding myself. It was the first time in a long time I choose myself over everyone else- over a man. 

I poured into myself, I started really dealing with my trauma and past, and I started praying. I really worked therapy and allowed my emotions to flow, whether good or bad, I let myself feel everything. I didn’t hide the pain or the sadness.

Instead I dove into it and tried to really find the source of why  I stayed so long. Needed to find out why I poured into him more then myself and why I compromised my worth for his happiness. It was a struggle to face these intimate conversations, long winded journal entries and hard conversations with my mom. I found a plan on the bible app “Breaking free after a Breakup” that literally elevated me. It brought me closer to myself and closer to God. It gave me steps to move past this breakup. 

What I realized during this quarantine was I would have never dealt with my fears had we been navigating regular life. This quarantine allowed me to face myself, because I literally had no where to go and no one to focus on outside of me. This time forced me to heal, it forced me to grow, it forced me to elevate. What I thought would be  the hardest thing because I was out here alone, ended up being the best decision I ever made. I didn’t go weeks without thinking of the relationship but I didn’t cry as much as i thought, I didn’t reach out to him, and I did sleep though the night. 

What I thought would be the scariest thing I’ve ever encountered ended up being the best thing that ever happened. I found her again. I found what makes her smile, what makes her happy, what makes her cry and what makes her mad. I found creativity, I found new hobbies, and I found rest and restoration. Yet most of all I found myself. I pulled her out of the darkness of rockbottom and found a light. And through everything we are enduring right now. I have found healing, rest, love, and light. I found my light. And I will never let it go out again. 

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